Parenting – Life Lessons

Stop Living Vicariously Through Your Children

Children are the biggest blessing one could ask for. There’s nothing more beautiful than having a child in your own image. It’s a bonus when they actually look like you. But must they live in your shadow with smoother edges?

You’re lucky if your child wants to be like you. But children should be allowed to have their own identity, and you should encourage that. If by chance they do follow in your footsteps, don’t ruin the experience by curating their lifestyle to fit your taste. Their life is no art show. It’s their life.

You can’t use them as a time machine to go back and do things differently or more fashionably. Continue to work on yourself, for that is the best example you can give them. They’ll appreciate that more than you trying to make their moves fit your groove.

There’s nothing wrong with wanting your kids to look as good as you or better. Be smarter than you. Do more than you did. See things you didn’t. Go places you’ve never been. But when your heartfelt desires start putting too much pressure on them, you need to give them some time and space to think about what they want for their own lives.

Some men will go as far as signing their sons up for football when he might be better at baseball. It’s okay to keep them active, but let them choose their own sport.

Some women may encourage their daughters to join the dance team when she’d rather join the band. Does it matter which uniform she chooses as long as she’s involved in some extracurricular activity?

If you missed out on something your heart desired as a child, that does not make it okay to pursue or live it through your child. If she chooses to keep it simple for prom, then let her. If he chooses to go to prom alone, then let him. These are not acts of disobedience. They’re called choices.

Now don’t get me wrong, there are limits to choices. If you can afford to put your child in an excellent private school, but she prefers public school, that’s too bad. She shouldn’t have a choice, unless she can present valid reasons through research and other fact findings to defend her choice. Most kids won’t do that, by the way. Nevertheless, you must still be in agreement. Education is important. Her desire to wear street clothes, name brand, and exotic hair and nails to look cool is irrelevant.

If he doesn’t want to represent your alma mater, it should be okay as long as he is pursuing a good education and living his dream. If he chooses Alabama State Crimson Tide over the LSU Tigers, at least he’s still playing football.

Don’t kill their dreams with your agenda. Instead, celebrate their individuality and support their choices. You can find “me” in the word “dream”, but there are no alphabets that can form “you”.

And remember…
“Make sense of what you do, and make every cent count.”

Photo: Flickr. Beauty Queen by Dancerdawg2luv

Something captured your interest? Don’t be selfish. Share with your friends!

You Don’t Owe Your Grown Kids Anything

Your parenting skills haven’t been tested until that one child pushes your button. It’s easy to raise an obedient child with a good attitude. Some kids don’t require much discipline. You can pat yourself on the back and say, “job well done”, until you get that child who can really “test your gangster”, as some would say. In the urban dictionary, this translates to “test your patience”.

The Lesson is Your Weapon

The biggest gift you can give a child is unconditional love, but that should not create lifetime expenses. A good parent instills morals and values in early childhood to prepare his or her child for the life ahead. We become teachers, counselors, and mentors by default, hoping they would remember the valuable life lessons taught. We invest in their education, talent, and dreams so they can become independent and responsible adults. So if your children ever seem ungrateful, revert them back to those lessons you taught them. If you don’t make them accountable, the world certainly will.

Entitlement

After you have given your children life, love, and lessons, you don’t owe them anything else. When you gave them birth, you accepted your assignment. You show love by supporting them in every aspect of life. However, you do not owe them your life. The lessons you taught them were meant to be applied so they wouldn’t make excuses in their path to achieving greatness. You’ve given your children the tools. It’s up to them to use those tools.

There’s absolutely nothing wrong with giving your kids a head start, but it’s up to them to finish. I’ve seen kids from good, well-structured homes make bad decisions and kids from bad or poorly-structured homes make good decisions. The only kids who should feel entitled are those who did not have a good childhood or were robbed of some of the most precious years of their lives. No kid deserves the trauma created from bad parenting, abuse, violence, hostile situations, unforeseen tragedies, or the like.

If you can attest to giving your children the best childhood experience under the circumstances you were afforded, then you owe them nothing but unconditional love. I’m not talking about children with mental health issues. I’m not talking about children with disabilities. And of course, I’m not talking about kids who have been traumatized. I’m talking about those able-body, mentally capable, ungrateful, lazy, and spoiled kids who think the world should be handed to them on a silver platter.

I’m not saying their childhood should match yours. What good parent wouldn’t want better for his or her kids? But you don’t have to spend the rest of your life trying to make up for what you couldn’t do for them as kids in their adulthood. You’ve done the best you could to give them a better life, and that should be enough for them to love and respect you for life.

There is no perfect parent or perfect style of parenting. What works for one child may not work for the other, and sometimes you must sacrifice spending time with your kids for earning money. But you must also communicate your need to make such sacrifices with your kids and make time for them. You can’t expect a “kid” to understand “adult” sacrifices. So if you’ve been absent for most of their childhood, then you should be trying to bond with them now. However, don’t become a bail bond and feel compelled to pay all their bills and raise their children.

The Pity Party

If you won’t entertain anyone else’s pity party, then don’t entertain your kids’. Oftentimes, it’s a ploy to get what they want. “Daddy wasn’t there”, “Nobody loves me”, “Nobody cares about me”, “Such and such mom or dad bought him a car”, “I’m not like you”, blah, blah, blah.

Kids will come up with 101 reasons why you should honor their requests, and as long as you fulfill them, you’re the best parent in the world. If you don’t, you might be considered the worst. Quit letting them make you feel like less than a good parent, and show them some tough love.

Kids are smarter than you think, and if you let them outsmart you, you’ll be taking care of them for life. Stop being a crutch and teach them responsibility and accountability. There’s nothing wrong with welcoming them back to the nest, but make them get a job and help pay bills, even if you don’t need their help. Only full-time students should get a pass.

The cost of living is way too expensive for one to make excuses. Disabled and some mentally challenged people go to work with the best attitudes every day. So there’s no excuse for your able-body, mentally capable children to be absorbing your hard-earned dollars and resources in adulthood. They’ll be the ones fighting over your estate when you’re gone.

Teach your kids to L.E.A.P. (Learn, Earn, Adapt, & Pray).

But don’t give up on them either.

And remember…
“Make sense of what you do, and make every cent count.”

Photo: Flickr. Angry gal by Wil Batista

Something captured your interest? Don’t be selfish. Share with your friends!

Learn From Others’ Mistakes

Marvin Mercer did what so many parents or caregivers have done over the years. He left 8-month old Raylee Mercer in a hot parked car, as he proceeded to go to work. His intent was to drop her off at daycare, but apparently, he forgot. It saddens me that this is still happening after learning of previous incidents like this one. When I hear of stories like this, an alarm immediately goes off in my mind and cautions me to be extra careful when caring for my own kids or someone else’s. I’m quite sure Mercer never thought he could do something like this and is deeply distraught behind the whole ordeal. But how many times do we hear of stories like this and pass comments and judgment? It’s not until it happens to one of us that it becomes a mistake or accident. I do believe it was definitely an accident because he did not let the windows down. However, we don’t forget to dress cool on hot summer days. We don’t forget to put on underwear. Even if we did, it wouldn’t be long before we realized it. We don’t forget our cell phones. Speaking of cell phones, how many of you have turned the car completely around, once you’d realized you left your cell phone at home or somewhere else? I know I have many of times. My cell phone has become a part of my identity and daily wardrobe. It wouldn’t dare take me two hours to realize that I left home without my cell phone.

As forgettable as I can be, some things I just can’t seem to forget, especially a child. In my opinion, forgetting a child is like a woman forgetting she is pregnant. At conception, a woman becomes pregnant with a baby, and the man becomes pregnant with a promise to love, provide, and protect. Marvin loved and provided for Raylee, but in this instance, he failed to protect her.

We have to learn to prioritize our days and turn off autopilot when it is time to shift gears. Whenever a child is in your possession, whether it is yours or someone else’s, you must train yourself to change priorities immediately. We don’t forget to go to work because we need that paycheck. We don’t forget to eat because of hunger. We don’t forget how to drive, tell time, feed our pets and all other things we do daily, so how is that we can forget a human being? I believe Mercer is the good man people say he is. He just made a terrible, careless mistake that he has to live with for the rest of his life. Raylee may be in a better place, but Marvin’s life will never be the same. We’ve all made careless mistakes before, but the real question remains, “Did you learn from them?”

All of us are capable of doing what Marvin did. Let’s just hope and pray that we all garner a sense of awareness, after reading this story. May Raylee rest in peace, and may Marvin gain peace of mind again.

And remember…
“Make sense of what you do, and make every cent count.”

What are your thoughts? I’d love to hear them.

Submit topic suggestions using the “Contact Me” page.

Something captured your interest? Don’t be selfish. Share with your friends!