As I close out the year, I think about those I may have hurt with my words, actions, or attitude. At times I was aware, and at times I wasn’t. I wish I wouldn’t have made assumptions. I wish I would’ve been more understanding. I wish I would’ve been more conscious and aware. I wish I would’ve spent more time listening and less time talking. I often tried to apply the advice I had given to others. Most of the time it worked, but sometimes it didn’t. I am a living witness of things being easier said than done. But, that’s life. You have to accept the good with the bad.
On another note, I wondered if I looked better than I did last year or if I looked worse. I wondered if people saw me the same as they did when I was in high school. I held my stomach in while taking pictures. I took over a hundred selfies and only liked a few of them. I wore clothes that should have been passed on because I did not want to accept my weight gain. I practiced smiling in the mirror, so I could always be picture ready. I liked my smile in the mirror but hated it on pictures sometimes. I often wondered what it would be like to look like the celebrities on television. I always thought I could use a little more tits and butt. I also thought my waistline could be thinner, and my legs could be a little thicker. I thought my hair could be longer and straighter. I thought my skin could be smoother and less oily. I thought my face could be slimmer and shorter. Oh, and I thought my feet could be smaller to wear those cut shoes. If I changed everything I could, I wouldn’t have been myself anymore.
I laughed, I cried, and I loved with my whole heart. But I wonder if it was ever enough? I spent a lot of time thinking, meditating, and praying to get answers on what my future would be like. I spent a lot of time caring about what others thought of me. I paid too much attention to who was liking my posts versus who was actually viewing them. I entertained frivolous matters that did not contribute to my success. I worried about money too much. I focused on numbers too much. I pouted too much. I shouted too much. I cursed too much. I complained too much. But I’ve retained the lessons learned in this year.
I know I won’t be perfect next year, but I know I will be better. Don’t judge me until you read to the end of this letter. I cared, I loved, I gave, I prayed, I forgave, and put others before me. I smiled to lift people’s spirits, not so others would adore me. I prayed for people I did not know. I gave from the heart, not for show. I listened to people out of compassion, not for the tea, gossip, or attraction. I let little stuff get me down, but I didn’t spread my feelings around. I got mad when things didn’t go my way, but I didn’t bring it into the next day. I didn’t get everything I wanted, but I maintained a fabulous image to flaunt it. I didn’t finish everything I started, but I gave my all regardless. I didn’t achieve all my goals, but I watched my blessings unfold. I stayed away from drama and avoided strife. I don’t have an appetite for foolishness, but I have a huge appetite for life.
I will change what I can and accept what I can’t, but just because I can doesn’t mean I should.
